For What It's Worth

Or, my slow return to writing, the beauty of courage, and what "showing up" means to me amidst my existential crisis :)

Nov 28, 2023

One of my favorite quotes (I think probably my favorite quote) is one by F. Scott Fitzgerald. Have I read any of his work outside of the mandatory The Great Gatsby in high school? No. But, did I come across this quote on Pinterest ages ago and it stuck with me for like a decade? Yes. See below:

“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.”

- F. Scott Fitzgerald

My favorite part of this quote is this bit right here: “I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.”

The part where he says “I hope you have the courage to start all over again” had struck a chord with me from the moment I read it as a teenager, and it still kind of shakes me today. Courage was a key word for me in 2022. I started and finished therapy in 2022. I quit my first job post-grad and did a contract gig in 2022. I started wearing less and going out more in 2022.

The operative word for me in 2022 (and 2023) was courage. To be in the driver seat of my life. To try new things. To be more vulnerable. To live a little more free. Yes, therapy did a number on me and I kind of want to go back because life is getting harder. Yes, that contract gig turned out to be a sh*tshow. Yes, there were some lackluster nights out. However. Those were my decisions. I made the mistakes. I led and executed and learned. I owned it and it was all mine and because of that, I also was able to understand my emotions and triggers more, I had the confidence to stand up for myself at work, I was dancing carefree in public like a bad ting, and able to be myself without fear of embarrassment or judgement.

In 2023, my biggest leap of faith was of course moving out and getting my own place. I had never signed a lease before. I’d only lived in a dorm one time my freshman year of college before I returned and lived at home once more.

It was uncharted territory to purchase things to fill up my own place. I went to look at mattresses and figure out what type of tiny ass couch I could fit in my studio. I know it’s a major win. I thank God every day for the blessing of having this apartment - something I had dreamed of for years. And while I felt like I had told myself to be courageous and be intentional and be present… all went out the window once I moved in. To be frank, I barely remember the months after I moved in. Summer was a blur except for the days I went to The Eras Tour and the Renaissance Tour in late July and late August. Fall was no better except this time I was crying more. Emotional mess, I was indeed.

I failed spectacularly at being present. So much time had passed by and I’m now writing this post in mid-November, and I’m thinking - how the fuck is it already Thanksgiving? Like, I told myself to write more consistently and that was just a bold faced lie. Needless to say:

Consistency has never been my strong suit (lol), but with a new year around the corner and my 27th birthday shortly after, I feel as though consistency and courage are imperative for me to not lose my mind. To feel and know that I am putting in the work of being the type of person I want to be. That I am showing up for myself, for real.

Serendipitously, I recently came across this new podcast called Balanced Black Girl while I was gearing up for my commute to work. As I grappled with the disappointment on how I’m majorly slacking, I came across episodes like “The Ultimate Glow Up: How to Level Up Your Career and Life With Jodie Taylor” or “How to Improve Your Habits and Be More Consistent” and they felt like a breath of fresh air. They felt like a lifeline. First off, the host, Les, is lovely to listen to.

Her voice is so soothing and when she has guests on the show, she never butts in or is quick to speak over them (a huge pet peeve of mine during interviews). But, what I love the most is the timeliness, depth, and power behind the statements (or gems) that are dropped in this show. Balance is lacking in my life on so many levels and Les is helping me get my perspective back. On a different post, I can share some more detailed analysis and lessons I’m learning, but if I’ve piqued your interest, in addition to the ones linked above, I would highly recommend the “Stop Settling” episode and “Nicole Walters on Redefining Success, Creating the Life You Want, and Life After Divorce” episode. Les is amazing, so I promise you’ll be in good hands.

I feel like it was divine timing finding her podcast when I did, because I wanted to reduce the amount of music I was listening to and I didn’t want to use TikTok as much if I was chilling at home (I actually deleted all my social media for Ethiopian fasting!). I want to use my time wisely - to invest in myself and the podcast just centered me at the perfect moment. So, I say this to say, that one of my goals for 2024 is to commit to this platform and write what interests me and do it consistently. So, hopefully a year from now, I won’t be mostly talking to myself on here.

So, if you’re in a similar situation like me where you feel like you’re in a season where you are not inspired or motivated, I suggest reducing the clutter and distraction in your life. That means social media, that means cleaning up your space, that means any noise that is not allowing you to focus and be present. Sit with yourself and comb through your emotions. What’s making you angry or nervous or excited? And then, figure out one action you can take to make your worries a little less intense. Then you must take action. Take a small step to make some change. To put effort into your present and future self even in the tiniest of ways. Because it is never too late to become the person you want to be. It’s never too late to start over. It’s never to late to show up.

Till Next Time,

Elsa

so then

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